Confessions of a Confused

The first time I looked through my heart something told me that there's something wrong or strange with what I was feeling.

Well, I'm a girl drawn to another girl...

When my friends asks me who is my crush, I'm at a lost. Is this feeling of being drawn to another be considered as 'crush'? My classmates/friends are speaking then about boys, boys and boys. My instincts then tells me... " Well, I like this 'boy'. And so, the story ends.

In high school, my world then became a little bit smaller. An exclusive for girls high school. And the fad was what the campus calls 'on'. Somehow, I felt that this is the time I could finally be'out' of my shell. Well... it didn't really go that way. Something within tells me there's really something wrong with me liking another girl, especially in a sexual way.

Funny how, but I'm the timid type. One day, this group was pairing me off with a classmate, just teasing me and this girl happened to be my 'big crush'. Then it was, we were 'on'. So what did we do then? Well, bunch of letters and gifts. Nothing more. Nothing less.

College came. I took an engineering course which gave me and my friend from high school an environment of boys. And the confusion somehow became.... more confused. I got involved with a guy which gave a twist to my searching heart but this relationship did not work out.

I graduated, I worked and dropped my career and decided to serve full time in a charitable institution. All this time, I am struggling with my feelings with the same sex. I did not really like this part of me, it's like a lost sheep within my very being. But at times, I cherished this feelings within my heart especially when my relationship with a prospective person grows in a special and deeper way but not sexual. I wished so much to be in a relationship with this person in a romantic way. It is such a desire that it invades my activities throughout the day.

My repression brought about self hatred. I did not want this, but sometimes the struggle is so great that I find myself so desirous of intimacy with a person of the same sex. This self hatred affected significant relationships in my life, and more so, critical decisions during my full time service in the institution. In a nutshell, I lost my way. I have to consult different resources for therapy. Anxiety, depression, outburst of rage and directionless living were tribulations for me most of the time . I lost meaning of everything and life itself.

The last theraphist I spoke to relayed to me that homosexual tendencies are mainly rooted to issues of the person to his father (if he is a man) or her mother (if she is a woman). The person seeks out the unfulfilled needs coming from his/her father/mother in relation with the object of his/her affection.

At first I was so skeptical about her statement until I have to live with my mother again after leaving my full time service.

I realized that my mother stands strongly for my two brothers than me. Even when my brothers were wrong it is ok, but when I'm at fault, I felt I was being accused like a criminal. That is why all along I'm trying my very best to do well at school, to behave well and to obey.

But still, having done all this I'm still not good enough.

And maybe, as my theraphist would indicate, I may have been unwanted very early in life, coming so close after my brother's birth. Our age gap was just 10 months. My father and mother that time was just starting to establish themselves especially financially. It may have been tough to have me around too early right after my brother's birth.

As I look back, I felt my mother and I was good all along. But I realized, I was too afraid to see how in one or in many ways she was rejecting me. And I prayed for healing for that. I forgive and I love her.

My attraction to women did not leave me. I guess I will carry it with me for the rest of my living life. I do not hate myself for it anymore. I accept it and I carry it in my arms as the Good Shepherd carried one of his strayed sheep. This is mine. I own it. But I could choose to act or not act on it. I do not want to be a lesbian. I feel this way, yes, but I am not my feelings. I decided to be true. God created me to be a woman and I accept it in as much as I am tempted to betray my womanhood. But virtue is a grace and a gift from God which I humbly beg for everyday. So help me God.